From “Party” to “Broken-Hearted Girl,” in several minutes flat.
1. Beyoncé is coming to my city! Beyoncé is coming to my city? She must really love me!
2. OK, tickets are sort of expensive. But as Beyoncé says, if you scared call that reverend.
3. Whatever, I’m a grown woman with a 401(k) and eye insurance. I woke up like this, and if I want to spend $300 on one Beyoncé ticket, that is my prerogative. But please no one tell my parents what I do with my money.
4. It’s cool, friends, I got this. Trust the person who’s such an expert at gaming Ticketmaster that she once bought 10 Kanye West tickets in one go, even though the limit was four. #skills
5. Why am I waking up in a panic at 4 a.m.? Oh right, tickets are on sale in a few hours. Calm down. The alarm is set. The credit card is pre-entered into my account. The Beyhive presale code is copied and ready to be pasted into that stupid little box. All systems go.
6. They’re on sale in five minutes. Does anyone have a Xanax? Deep breaths. You can do this. YOU CAN DO THIS.
7. TICKETMASTER, YOU SON OF A BITCH. It’s your ONE JOB not to freeze when tickets go on sale. What, you can’t buy some extra servers with the $40 extra you charge in fees every time someone manages to actually buy a ticket?
8. Is anyone even getting tickets to this? How are they all gone in two minutes? It’s a STADIUM. There are literally thousands of seats. Does everyone in the world belong to the Beyhive?
9. Phew, everyone on Twitter is having problems, too. Thank god. I’ll be damned if these randos who don’t even know Beyoncé’s middle name beat me to these tickets.
10. Hmm, Baltimore is only three hours away by bus. Is that worth it, maybe? Some people from high school live there. Perhaps we can reconnect over $10 beers and Beyoncé singing “Halo.”
11. I HATE YOU, BEYONCÉ. Baltimore is sold out already, too? This is some kind of conspiracy. An ILLUMINATI conspiracy. I’m so mad at you I don’t even want to see you in GIF form.
12. Oh wait, there’s a credit card presale in an hour. Great. Deep breaths, again. So glad I signed up for that SkyMiles AmEx that one time I wanted to save $100 on a last-minute flight to Texas.
13. I NEED A PASSWORD FOR THIS, TOO? Jesus, Ticketmaster are you trying to kill me?
14. Thanks for tweeting me back, AmEx customer service representative! You’re an American hero. I’m IN!
15. THE TICKETS ARE MIIIIIIIINE! I’m so sorry I blasphemed against you, Beyoncé. I swear on Blue Ivy that I will never do it again. Please forgive me and accept me back into the warmth of your love.
16. *Dance break*
17. Better go drunk shopping with the girls for some new outfits. These neon leggings make me look hot, right?
18. Ready! Who run the world? Girls who love Beyoncé.